Scary Mommy Day

Last night I had one of the scariest dreams I've ever had, and this evening I witnessed one of the scariest moments involving Svanja.  It comes in second to the moment about a month ago when I had just set Svanja in her carrier down on the couch, then turned around to take her out, and the carrier fell off the couch with her hitting the floor head first as I turned, and all I saw was the carrier upside down on the ground with her still in it.  I will never forget that moment; I cried and cried, but Svanja was totally fine, praise God!

I will never forget tonight, either. I was talking during supper, and Svanja was eating her peanut butter sandwich, and I heard a choking sound. I look over, and Svanja's face is red and water is pouring out of her mouth and nose.  She is trying to cough and cannot get air in.  I immediately whip the high chair tray off and grab her, turning her face first on an angle toward the ground, and whack her back with the palm of my hand. Thank goodness for all the CPR and choking training sessions I went through as a security guard in college and as a 911 dispatcher afterwards! She was fine, although visibly scared, after she got the water out of her airway. But there have only been one or two other legitimate choking incidents with her, and this was the scariest of them all.  It looked like she was drowning, which happens to be one of my worst fears for myself.  And the look of fear on her face when she couldn't breathe tore my heart apart, and I was so afraid while she was choking that she wouldn't get to take another breath.

I don't know why that had to happen today.  I am still recovering from an awful dream I had last night involving her.  I dreamed I was in a public building, and I wanted to attend a casting call for a movie.  I decided to leave Svanja (who was about 4-5 months old in my dream) in a cradle in another large room, and I covered the cradle with a fluffy blanket so that no one would know a baby was in there and kidnap her.  I went off to the casting call, and lost track of time.  When I realized how much time had passed, I ran back to the room, so scared that someone had taken her.  I was afraid at first when I didn't see Svanja as I first entered the room, then remembered her cradle was covered with a blanket.  But then I realized that she could have suffocated because of how long she had lain in there.  I pull off the blanket, and see her laying there, eyes closed, deathly pale face, and a little bit of a frost-like substance on her cheeks. I touched her face and screamed; she was dead.  Shock and guilt enter my mind in a split second - two words lighting up in my mind: dead and negligence.  And I snap fully awake, unable to handle it.

It took me a while to go back to sleep, and I had to check on her just to ease my lingering fear.  The sound of her breathing in sleep calmed me, but not enough.  I knew what happened in my dream would never happen in real life - I would never leave her alone in a public place, never cover her cradle or bassinet with a thick blanket, and Lord willing never do anything that would cause her or another baby to die due to my negligence.  But then I started to think about SIDS and our next baby and the stories I had heard, and fear of someday finding a dead baby in a crib started to creep in. I prayed, which helped me to fall asleep.  It was actually pretty neat to be able to pray to the Holy Spirit and say, "You are the Comforter; please give me comfort."  He did!  

And God has continued to comfort me even tonight as the two events mingled in my mind; Jordan and I had a great talk about fear of loved ones dying.  And peace has come over me even as I think about my greatest fears.  Thank you God!

Lately

It has been quite a while since I posted last (relatively speaking).  I am just so tired lately...the first symptom to hit me when I was pregnant with Svanja was exhaustion, and it seems it's the same with this pregnancy.  I take a nap almost each day, sometimes sleeping up to 3 hours. Thankfully, Svanja sleeps about the same during her nap.

I wish I could sleep more at night, but no matter how late or how early I go to bed, I wake up just before 6 due to the sun and birds.  I finally put up two blankets over the window, since even with the light-reducing, insulating shade it still gets too bright for me to sleep.  We'll see if that helps me sleep in later.

God has been so active in my life lately.  Well, actually, that's the wrong terminology.  My eyes have been opened to see how God has been working in my life lately.  I can't wait to share where God is calling Jordan and I!  Pieces are slowly falling into place, pieces of confirmation.

There is so much I want to write about - how to fight as a couple (to get things resolved, not worse), the New Heaven and New Earth (one of my favorite topics EVER - looking forward to eternity!!), how much I love my new iPhone 5, what I'm planning on doing for Svanja's birthday party....

OH.

Svanja is one! She turned one on Tuesday!!!  And she is taking more and more steps and really enjoys the risk of walking.  She looks like a toddler, acts older, and I seriously don't know how Jordan and I lived before we had her.  I can't imagine life without her now!

But bed is calling me. Or vegging on the couch with the remote or a book...something where I don't have to think. Haha.  *yawn*

SUPER (secret) Excitement and Some Cool Pinterest Pics

I'm only writing this because I have to say something. I have to let it out. and later today I will probably write another post on an entirely different topic. But.

TWO BIG CHANGES ARE COMING TO JORDAN'S AND MY LIFE!!!!!

Unfortunately I can't say what they are yet.

But suffice it to say, we're pretty excited. and nervous. But God has been leading and working in really awesome ways, answering prayers and setting things up for us.

Don't worry; I won't hold you in suspension too much longer, a couple days at the most.

In the meantime, *squeeeeeeeeeeeee*

Oh, and please enjoy this collection of some of my favorite images from Pinterest.

I Can't Believe...

I can't believe...Svanja is almost a year old. More than that, that I've been a mommy for almost a year...WHAT?!

I can't believe...how much God has been teaching me through Bible Study Fellowship (BSF). Almost every week I walk away stunned (yes, even to the point where I drive away with mouth hanging open) because God has used something in the lesson or the lecture to speak directly to me.

I can't believe...I got our bedroom clean, and it's stayed clean for over a week!! (I could nickname myself Little Ms. Tornado with how messy I usually am)

I can't believe...my sisters will be back from college in two weeks! So excited to spend uninterrupted time with them!

[edit: added later] I can't believe...HOW MUCH RAIN WE'RE GETTING!  Holy flooding, Batman!!

God Gave Wings to My Dream

I am the girl that dreamed of the sky, and God gave me wings to get there.

There is something about the robin's egg blue of the daytime sky, with the clouds floating weightlessly and the sun brilliantly shining through the layers of atmosphere.  I watched birds soaring high above me, carried on streams of wind, and I was wistful.  I watched planes flying in the thin reaches of the atmosphere, white contrails following behind, and I longed to have wings of my own.

In the evening, with cool grass as my pillow, I lay back and watched the encroaching night change the sky from azure to deep navy behind the sunset.  And stars would prick the navy, and it would turn black.  Thousands of stars scattered across the sky, twinkling their praise to God.  I watched the steady gleam of satellites slowly creep from one horizon to the other, and I thought of the astronauts floating miles above in the International Space Station.  My heart did not belong on earth - it belonged in the sky, in space.

I was in junior high when I first discovered the sky and ate up everything I could on airplanes, astronauts, and atmosphere (which back then consisted of scouring our set of encyclopedias -- dial-up internet was too expensive to use for web surfing!).  I prayed often, believing that God answered prayers and would give me the desires of my heart, that I could someday get up in the sky and fly and go to space.

And you know what? He did answer my prayer.  When I was 14 or 15, we found out about a program near us that offers free flight lessons to high school students.  They specifically sought girls, minorities, and low-income students, although they accepted others as well.  And it wasn't just a flight lesson or two for free; it was ground school and all flight lessons for free, all the way through getting a pilot's certificate!  And that is what I did, and I passed my private pilot test the Friday before I left for my first year of college.

Mom and Dad gave me two telescopes in high school, and God gave me wings.  I could see into space farther than before, and I could fly part of the way there.  I often pointed the nose of the airplane straight up into the deepest blue part of the sky, and imagined there were no limits, that I was going to fly straight out of the sky into space.  And I treasured each moment in the airplane, using the time to pray and enjoy the feeling of flight.


I dreamed (and still dream) of the sky. What do you dream of?  Do you pray for it?  God doesn't answer all of our desires, but perhaps He will answer some of yours.

In which I start writing about my schedule and end up praying about God's will

I've started getting up early again. There is so much I want to do before Svanja wakes up! Do devotions (which currently consists of doing my Genesis BSF lesson and time in prayer), exercise, spend a half hour learning Arabic, work for 30-60 minutes on my freelance projects, enjoy a leisurely breakfast and a cup of tea, write a blog post (obviously doesn't happen every day, haha!), pick up the downstairs or do dishes, and take shower/get dressed/put makeup on/do hair.  

Total amount of time needed: 4 hrs, 10 mins, give or take a half hour.  Svanja wakes up around 8:30, so I would need to get up at 4:15-ish in order to get all that done every day (did I do my math right?).

Not happening. The earliest I can go is 5.  I did 5:30 this morning, and I got devos and breakfast and tea and shower/hair done, but that was it.  I got a little sidetracked with Facebook and Twitter...and reading other people's blogs.

What I will probably do is work on Arabic every other day, blog every other day, and if I don't have enough time to do the freelance projects, move that time to Svanja's naps (she naps a total of 3 hours each day, so I have plenty of time to work on them).

But I want to be very consistent with my devotions. God may be telling Jordan and I something very specific right now.  I want to KNOW that is Him talking to me and not just my own mind going off on its own, seeing arrows in coincidences and convicting me falsely.  The more I do devotions, the more I pray, the more I ask God to make me sensitive to His voice and His leading, the more I should be able to tell what His will is for us and what it isn't.  Pray without ceasing - it's hard to do, but I'm trying to do it.

Under Your will is where I want to be

Truly knowing that You are speaking to me

Accepting that our future is in Your hands

Holding nothing back in following Your plan

Wait

I heard this poem the other day at my church's moms' group.  It spoke incredibly to me. I hope God uses it in your life, as well.

Wait 

by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
 I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint. 
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."