Scary Mommy Day

Last night I had one of the scariest dreams I've ever had, and this evening I witnessed one of the scariest moments involving Svanja.  It comes in second to the moment about a month ago when I had just set Svanja in her carrier down on the couch, then turned around to take her out, and the carrier fell off the couch with her hitting the floor head first as I turned, and all I saw was the carrier upside down on the ground with her still in it.  I will never forget that moment; I cried and cried, but Svanja was totally fine, praise God!

I will never forget tonight, either. I was talking during supper, and Svanja was eating her peanut butter sandwich, and I heard a choking sound. I look over, and Svanja's face is red and water is pouring out of her mouth and nose.  She is trying to cough and cannot get air in.  I immediately whip the high chair tray off and grab her, turning her face first on an angle toward the ground, and whack her back with the palm of my hand. Thank goodness for all the CPR and choking training sessions I went through as a security guard in college and as a 911 dispatcher afterwards! She was fine, although visibly scared, after she got the water out of her airway. But there have only been one or two other legitimate choking incidents with her, and this was the scariest of them all.  It looked like she was drowning, which happens to be one of my worst fears for myself.  And the look of fear on her face when she couldn't breathe tore my heart apart, and I was so afraid while she was choking that she wouldn't get to take another breath.

I don't know why that had to happen today.  I am still recovering from an awful dream I had last night involving her.  I dreamed I was in a public building, and I wanted to attend a casting call for a movie.  I decided to leave Svanja (who was about 4-5 months old in my dream) in a cradle in another large room, and I covered the cradle with a fluffy blanket so that no one would know a baby was in there and kidnap her.  I went off to the casting call, and lost track of time.  When I realized how much time had passed, I ran back to the room, so scared that someone had taken her.  I was afraid at first when I didn't see Svanja as I first entered the room, then remembered her cradle was covered with a blanket.  But then I realized that she could have suffocated because of how long she had lain in there.  I pull off the blanket, and see her laying there, eyes closed, deathly pale face, and a little bit of a frost-like substance on her cheeks. I touched her face and screamed; she was dead.  Shock and guilt enter my mind in a split second - two words lighting up in my mind: dead and negligence.  And I snap fully awake, unable to handle it.

It took me a while to go back to sleep, and I had to check on her just to ease my lingering fear.  The sound of her breathing in sleep calmed me, but not enough.  I knew what happened in my dream would never happen in real life - I would never leave her alone in a public place, never cover her cradle or bassinet with a thick blanket, and Lord willing never do anything that would cause her or another baby to die due to my negligence.  But then I started to think about SIDS and our next baby and the stories I had heard, and fear of someday finding a dead baby in a crib started to creep in. I prayed, which helped me to fall asleep.  It was actually pretty neat to be able to pray to the Holy Spirit and say, "You are the Comforter; please give me comfort."  He did!  

And God has continued to comfort me even tonight as the two events mingled in my mind; Jordan and I had a great talk about fear of loved ones dying.  And peace has come over me even as I think about my greatest fears.  Thank you God!

Grandpa Clark

My heart is so heavy today.

My grandpa died yesterday.




I don't know what to write, only that I have to, that I must express what I'm feeling.

I'm sad, I'm weighted, I'm a bit frustrated because Svanja is sick on top of it all and it is very hard to handle her feverish crying along with the grief. The day is cloudy and windy and only magnifies the pain.

I saw Grandpa on Thursday, the day before he died. He smiled at me in his wheelchair at lunch and held Svanja's hand, telling her how cute she was. Thin wisps of white hair surrounded the bald top of his head. Blue veins wound their way just underneath translucent skin blemished with age spots.  I grasped his hand, wrinkled and fragile, and told him I love him.  I did not know that in only one day he would be gone.

We knew he would pass soon, so it was not altogether unexpected.  But I had expected him to die in the hospital after a stroke, and that we would have time to say good-bye to him before he died.  Instead, he slipped peacefully away in his bed at the nursing home.  He kept telling the nurses and Grandma yesterday that he did not want to go the hospital.  It was like he knew that his time was up.

It was hard to see Grandpa decline in health over the past 6 months. When Jordan and I moved back to our hometown, he could still walk and was living at home and engaged us in conversation.  My mind moves back in time, to when he played big band songs beautifully on the piano and as a little girl I always wanted to play "as good as Grandpa."  I remember him cooking; he cooked once a week for Grandma and he made delicious food that was often British or Ecuadorian in nature.  He had lots of books and Bible commentaries, and I first discovered Tolkien's world of Middle Earth at Grandma and Grandpa's house with an old copy of The Hobbit.  Grandpa loved to write, which was one of the reasons I learned to enjoy writing as well.

He was the Wheaton Spanish professor who wrote memoirs, watched British drama, drank tea, wore glasses and vests and a British-like cap, read biographies, played piano, cooked well, and loved my husband from the moment he met him, taking him out to Culver's every week during my first semester at college.  He was the grandpa that took me out to eat on grandpa/granddaughter dates, and created toys for me and my siblings and cousins out of wood, and helped me with crafts, and bounced me on his knee as he sang long-forgotten nursery rhymes to me.

But it is not all sadness, for Grandpa was a Christian and highly valued his relationship with Jesus.  He is now in heaven, whole, rejoicing in God's presence.  He has fulfilled the last line of the poem I wrote for him and Grandma on their 50th wedding anniversary: he is now dancing with Jesus celeste...

The Untimely Death of a Never-Read Post

I had a lovely post all written out. I started editing some html, then went into the normal view, and Blogger kindly informed me that part of a tag was missing.

I hit save before I edited that tag, but while it was trying to save, I went back into the html view and somehow accidentally backspaced my whole post.

And then it saved.

And the last thing I had copied was a simple link.

*sigh* Maybe it was for good reason. I was talking about God in that post; perhaps some of my theology was off.  Or maybe (probably) it was just a simple mistake.

In either case, I unfortunately lost about 45 minutes of my time because of that terribly-timed save.

So, my prayer for the rest of this day: "Lord, do not let the rest of my time go to waste."

I usually hate clipart, but right now, I feel a kinship with it. I feel like this right now:

Maybe my prayer for the rest of the day really should be: "Lord, please help me control my anger toward non-animate objects that I'm placing the blame for human error on...and keep any destructive weapons like knives or axes away from me and my laptop..."

Amen.

The Other Side of the Valley

"This is our valley" by indecent-lighting

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk through 
the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.  - Psalm 23, emphases mine

"The Lost Sheep"' by DouglasRamsey

Jordan and I have been walking through a valley. I actually wrote a bit about this last week.  He has not had a job for 6 months since he graduated college, and we hit what we considered to be rock bottom last Wednesday. You know, that moment when your bank account is negative, and you have no gas money, and your student loans are going to start repayment this month, and you have applied to many, many jobs and some interviews with no callbacks.  I opened up my computer and began applying to jobs myself, something that I wasn't previously going to consider since we have a baby girl who needs raising. We have been blessed to be allowed to live with my parents, so we have the basic necessities of shelter, food, and clothing. That's why I didn't consider our position to be absolute rock bottom...but it seemed pretty close, and it was compared to our history.

But God is oh-so-good, and His provision never fails.  The very next day following that bleak Wednesday when our situation seemed hopeless, on Thursday morning, Jordan got a call back from a company who offered him a position.  And they even accepted the pay rate Jordan requested!  Praise God!

God used this time to teach us many things: humility, dependence on God, faith in His promises, how to manage money wisely, the difference between "need" and "want."  And He has, once again, pulled us through the valley and led us to green pastures.  Oh, hallelujah!

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
-Casting Crowns, "Praise You in This Storm"

P.S. As I was writing this post, I just got a call for a job interview myself. And let's just say...the job fits what I'm looking for in one.  God is working!